hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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