Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
