I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
