If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
