Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
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