So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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