I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
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Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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