i wish starbucks made bloody marys
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Randomize
