I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
That's what I'm talking about