My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
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Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
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Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT