It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
20 People Confess What It’s Really Like To Live Under Sharia Law
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat