my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
