my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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