so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
