hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
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I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
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I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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