I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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