I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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