glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
