Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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