I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Randomize
