the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
