I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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