EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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