all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
