My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
