Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
