I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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