I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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