You don't have asthma, your pregnant
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
