Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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