So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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