Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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