I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
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A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
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If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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