is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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