More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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