last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
