don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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