Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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