You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
