she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
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