I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
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They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
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If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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