While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
