I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
