babies were throwing up all over the place
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
