I'm passing your future prison.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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