You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
