i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
