I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
