you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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