shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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