I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
