Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
