my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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