My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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