How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
She's the barista slut.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
