just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Randomize
