i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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