it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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