so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
