And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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