I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
