you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
She just used a chaser for red wine.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
My dick has a subreddit
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
