so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
