I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
