woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Randomize
