Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
