I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
