Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
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